Captain's log Stardate: 10212015
We found him! By Hulk Hogan we found him!
I stealthed my way down to the dock this morning, my senses constantly vigilant for any threat. After rendezvousing with the captain and stopping for fuel we were on our way into the murky, unmapped interior. They say some of these tribes are untouched by modernity and headhunters and cannibals still abound. With no sense of what lay ahead except constant danger the captain, Fred, and I ventured forth into the unknown jungles of Guyana.
The journey there was perilous, there were several villages between us and Calcuni. At each one the locals, mesmerized by our boat that glided across the surface of the water unaided by oar. Some of these tribes even attempted to swim out and greet us. But without a local translator we would have no idea whether they meant us harm. I decided the risk could not be taken and boldly pushed forward into the dark and might waters of the Berbice river.
With Calcuni in our sights and us only moments away, disaster struck. We were being followed. Perhaps it was a shadowy criminal organization, or a shadowy government organization but one thing was for sure. They were shadowy and they were following us. I quickly pushed the captain out of the way and took control of the boat. I veered left and then right each time pressing the button on the throttle to release our 5 kiloton depth charges.
The enemy boat struggled to keep up and weren't expecting an attack. The resultant explosions rocked their craft and sunk it almost immediately. With piranhas and caymans abound in the water, the crew didn't last long. We reached the Calcuni Health Center dock unmolested and disembarked. After appropriate bribes to the village chieftain they revealed our missing American's location.
We hiked in and found the missing volunteer simply resting, relaxed on his front stoop and blissfully unaware. After a quick exchange of coded phrases involving Back to The Future and what date Doc and Marty travel to the future in I checked in with the volunteer making sure everything was copacetic. He gave me series of whistles and coded blinks that indicated he was okay. Then he showed me around his little village, the school for 16 kids, his home made volleyball court, and his health center. It was quite a nice little place in the middle of the jungle.
Fred and I made our way back to the dock and, to the chorus of children's voices begging us to stay and continue to better their lives, we left.
The way back was uneventful. We cruised on home just in time to catch a breeze and have a few Banks beers at 11AM.
(90% of this is untrue and 100% of it is embellished to make me look cool.)
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
Heart of Darkness
The buzzing of mosquitoes greets me as I emerge blissfully from sleep. I reach for my phone, 5:30AM, the boat leaves in an hour. Quickly, quietly I assemble my gear and make a quick bowl of oatmeal and coffee. Reveling in a moment of silence with my meager breakfast, I turn over the facts in my mind.
A Peace Corps volunteer placed in the Amerinidian village of Calcuni located on the Berbice River in Guyana. During a routine check in, the US federal government finds they can no longer reach him. They try repeatedly to call him but a community telephone booth, often under repair, is his main means of contact. His Peace Corps issued satellite phone isn't working either. Now that 24 hours have passed, the mandate is he must be reached in any way possible. That's where I come in.
The US government has asked me to find him by any means necessary. I've chartered a boat to take me downriver. I don't know what I'll find or who I'll find. All I know is that I will find our missing volunteer or die in the attempt. This is what the government pays me for. To find the unfindable, to take the risks that no one else will, and do whatever it takes to bring our little lost lamb home.
The sky is turning light, I have to leave. This deep in the South American rain forest time has little meaning. The boat captain and I only agreed to leave at dawn and it's a half hour walk plagued by jungle rats and boa constrictors to the river. I'd say wish me luck but her that word has no meaning. Here, there's just the unstoppable forces of nature and the men and women that battle them every day in an attempt to scrape out what little life they can find. You say good luck, I say, I pity your need to hang on to something so futile as luck.
(Just as a heads up, this is satirical. Things get kind of boring here. I'm sure our missing volunteer is fine and talked to at least one person who saw him this weekend. This is just practice in the case of an emergency. Also, we do have time in South America.)
Friday, October 9, 2015
Local Celebrity
Hi!
October 5th was Teachers Day if you were unaware. All the teachers in Kwakwani took the day off and met at the ball field at the secondary school. I was totally unaware of Teachers Day until I showed up at school. I wasn't totally sure if I was invited but that's one thing that Guyanese don't seem to mind, one more. When I first got there, they were in the middle of taking short video clips of all the teachers and I wasn't sure why. We also have two British girls living in town also volunteering at the secondary school. The three of us sat down in front of the camera and the teachers asked that I, being the man, say a few words for all the volunteers. I gave an emotionally rousing speech about the special kind of person it takes to be a teacher and didn't give it much thought after that.
We cooked up a big pot of fried rice, played games, and just kind of hung out at the field all the day. It was nice, getting to know everyone and spend time with all the people I work with.
When I came to school the next day there was a big signup sheet for a teachers versus students basketball game that night. Obviously, I signed up thinking it would be a pretty small, fun match. In my first class that day a student told me they had seen me on TV the previous night. Thinking that was strange I asked a few more questions and found out that clip I had recorded had landed on the local station. As I went through the day it became obvious that most kids had seen the clip and it seemed like every one of them had to tell me they'd seen me on TV. This must be what Tom Cruise feels like every day.
Later in the day, I went down to the basketball court ready to show off my skills. When I first arrived there were about twenty people there but as we warmed up and shot around more people streamed to the court and the stands (a few benches on the sidelines). The court itself wasn't in great condition. Concrete and cement just don't hold up well here. The court also has lights and, I've been told, is lit all through the night every night. The student team showed up with matching uniforms and as I watched them, they looked pretty good. I asked a few of my fellow teachers about them and it turned out the team we were playing was the best U-19 (under 19) team in the country for the last 5-6 years. They had played all over the country and apparently had played in a tournament in Antigua last year and beaten everyone handily.
There were about 100-150 people at the game when it started. The game itself was a lot of fun. The student team was really good but I think they took it easy on us because somehow we ended up winning. Not to brag but I scored 6 points and had a few rebounds.
When I went to school the next day, of course, all the students had been there and had to let me know they'd seen me play.
Finally, my latest and greatest issue is currently in the bedroom. Now, I've had bats in the house for a while now. I've seen their poop around the house but I've never seen them or had any major issues up until now. So it started with a bat flying around the house. Not a huge deal, when the house is open to the elements like most houses are here, you're gonna get some bats once in a while. Then, the other morning I woke up in the early morning light and I saw 3-4 shadowy creatures winging around the room. It didn't bother me right away because I sleep in a mosquito net so I had a fairly decent barrier between me and them. But then, they all took turns flying under the bed and out the other side. I have no idea why, maybe they think it's a cave or something but it scared the poop out of me. I could hear their wings beating the air under the bed and felt the rush of beaten air on my face as they came out the other side. It really reminded me of that scene from Michael Keaton's Batman where he's talking to the giant bat. Since then, it's happened every morning for the last three days. I'm starting to develop PTBSD (Post Traumatic Bat Stress Disorder) and it's affecting my sleep. I'm starting to think
I'm the Batman.
You should tell your friends about me.
Justice.
Anyways, that's my big problem right now. Anyone know how to get rid of bats?
See ya next time.
October 5th was Teachers Day if you were unaware. All the teachers in Kwakwani took the day off and met at the ball field at the secondary school. I was totally unaware of Teachers Day until I showed up at school. I wasn't totally sure if I was invited but that's one thing that Guyanese don't seem to mind, one more. When I first got there, they were in the middle of taking short video clips of all the teachers and I wasn't sure why. We also have two British girls living in town also volunteering at the secondary school. The three of us sat down in front of the camera and the teachers asked that I, being the man, say a few words for all the volunteers. I gave an emotionally rousing speech about the special kind of person it takes to be a teacher and didn't give it much thought after that.
We cooked up a big pot of fried rice, played games, and just kind of hung out at the field all the day. It was nice, getting to know everyone and spend time with all the people I work with.
When I came to school the next day there was a big signup sheet for a teachers versus students basketball game that night. Obviously, I signed up thinking it would be a pretty small, fun match. In my first class that day a student told me they had seen me on TV the previous night. Thinking that was strange I asked a few more questions and found out that clip I had recorded had landed on the local station. As I went through the day it became obvious that most kids had seen the clip and it seemed like every one of them had to tell me they'd seen me on TV. This must be what Tom Cruise feels like every day.
Later in the day, I went down to the basketball court ready to show off my skills. When I first arrived there were about twenty people there but as we warmed up and shot around more people streamed to the court and the stands (a few benches on the sidelines). The court itself wasn't in great condition. Concrete and cement just don't hold up well here. The court also has lights and, I've been told, is lit all through the night every night. The student team showed up with matching uniforms and as I watched them, they looked pretty good. I asked a few of my fellow teachers about them and it turned out the team we were playing was the best U-19 (under 19) team in the country for the last 5-6 years. They had played all over the country and apparently had played in a tournament in Antigua last year and beaten everyone handily.
There were about 100-150 people at the game when it started. The game itself was a lot of fun. The student team was really good but I think they took it easy on us because somehow we ended up winning. Not to brag but I scored 6 points and had a few rebounds.
When I went to school the next day, of course, all the students had been there and had to let me know they'd seen me play.
Finally, my latest and greatest issue is currently in the bedroom. Now, I've had bats in the house for a while now. I've seen their poop around the house but I've never seen them or had any major issues up until now. So it started with a bat flying around the house. Not a huge deal, when the house is open to the elements like most houses are here, you're gonna get some bats once in a while. Then, the other morning I woke up in the early morning light and I saw 3-4 shadowy creatures winging around the room. It didn't bother me right away because I sleep in a mosquito net so I had a fairly decent barrier between me and them. But then, they all took turns flying under the bed and out the other side. I have no idea why, maybe they think it's a cave or something but it scared the poop out of me. I could hear their wings beating the air under the bed and felt the rush of beaten air on my face as they came out the other side. It really reminded me of that scene from Michael Keaton's Batman where he's talking to the giant bat. Since then, it's happened every morning for the last three days. I'm starting to develop PTBSD (Post Traumatic Bat Stress Disorder) and it's affecting my sleep. I'm starting to think
I'm the Batman.
You should tell your friends about me.
Justice.
Anyways, that's my big problem right now. Anyone know how to get rid of bats?
See ya next time.
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