Fear Itself

8/4/14

Today, something truly horrific happened.

I woke up, like any other Monday, and walked around the corner to the bathroom. I glanced up and was jolted out of my stupefied post slumber phase and looked dead into his eight eyes. There was a spider. But not just any spider, he was a tarantula. Not big one, but big enough to make me pee a little. He was about as big as the back of my hand but that’s still pretty big for a spider. I named him Fear Itself because to name your foe is to know him and he’d just become my mortal enemy. Neither of was leaving with the other alive. I couldn’t afford to give him the opportunity to visit me while I slept. This was war.

After my initial fear lessened I began to think rationally about how to kill this mythical creature. I geared up; put on my only Oregon State sweatshirt, pair of jeans, shoes. I crept back to the shower area where I left the monster. Of course, he was gone. But a quick inspection of the area found him on the floor of the shower. At that point, I could have tried to wash Fear down the drain. But given the uneven footing of the shower floor and an inability to get a high water flow in that area made the possibility impossible.

Turning my back to the beast I looked around, hurriedly, for another weapon. My eyes alighted on my most recent purchase. A large knife, at least a 10 inch blade that I’d been sharpening all weekend. This was my Excalibur.

Grabbing the knife I turned to battle with my foe. My shaking hand came down with the first stroke and severed a few of his legs. He dragged himself to the corner. Overcome with bloodlust I refused him quarter and continued to hack away until the red veil lifted from my eyes. When it was all over Fear lay vanquished and curled. I crowed with victory and grabbed my pointer broom then swept him triumphantly down the drain.

Now, this was not the horrific part. Later, I was sitting on the toilet doing some paperwork. And I see a few ants. Not normally a cause for concern given that my house is open to the elements. But then I see a few more until they’re swarming in front of the open bathroom door. Then slowly I see the swarm carry something from around the corner. I squint and try to make it out. It’s one of the spider’s legs. It slowly moves from one side of the door to the other and disappears into a crack in the wall. And that is probably the most interesting thing that will happen to me this week.